Echo

i’m so into pumpkin seeds right now.

Just because you like one of my manifestations, doesn’t mean you should ignore the others.

Men never think about the situation. How their need for control is sometimes how they lose control. Baiting a woman with something she wants to get her to approach. And as soon as she agrees and takes it, if she’s self-aware, the man suddenly realizes–this is the only control he’s got with her. There is a man who will just deal with it, try to bridge a trust. The other man freaks out. He thinks he’d better control what little he has control over, and he more or less upsets the boat. He tries to put the thing she wants on his terms. He almost uses it like a dog treat. But the day he withholds what she wants in an outright coup to make her obey, he realizes very quickly, this ain’t no game. This thing is bigger than you, and now it’s pissed.

these people who claim to hunt dragons. be careful. they’re awed by you and fear you. this is man at his most irrational.

The hardest book I ever read while running was Crime & Punishment.

The most grueling was John Adams.

The most engrossing was Angels & Demons.

The ones that pushed me were Murakami’s.

By splitting focus into 1. Mental 2. Physical, I force myself to do both well, spreading then reintegrating my attention on a broader level.  That’s probably a good clue regarding how I live on two levels simultaneously.

I ran hard today.

While reading a story in David Mitchell’s book, Ghostwritten, titled, “Holy Mountain.”

The last time someone recommended something titled “Holy Mountain,” it made me want to hurt that person.

I’m not a runner. It’s the mental focus that’s the hardest. But I ran 6 miles and I finished that fucking story.

It was about 70 years through the changing political face of China from the perspective of a woman who spends her life running a tea shop at the base of Holy Mountain. I ran and read that thing and never lost focus of either.

But I will admit I didn’t get much from that story, but I finished it.  Only got to 6 miles because they were closing and I had to work out my shoulder before I left.

To be honest, I’ve never done more than 6 miles.

You know why I like Friday Night Lights so much? It’s a show about men. Becoming men, being men. And there’s no shortage of heart candy.

Kyle Chandler as Coach Taylor, to use an expression, fucks my shit up. I would go to battle for him.

Sooner or later, I need to hire a bodyguard.

There’s a part of me deep inside that wants what I want, when I want it, and will stop at no lengths to have it, should desire supersede restraint. It has taken me a long time to master restraint. It is not, nor will it ever be, one of my strengths. The best I can do is prevent the cultivation of desire, or to focus it in productive avenues. To be provoked feels exhilarating, terrifying and incredibly dangerous. I’m not sure I believe it’s a good thing. Sometimes in life, there are forces bigger than what people realize they can handle. Great power can both transform or destroy, sometimes simultaneously doing both. What’s light is not necessarily good, what’s dark is not necessarily bad. Does your curiosity supersede your judgment? Will my desire exceed my control?

Keep reaching for the goal, until you surprise yourself.

“We love…melancholy snipers.”

-Air
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Because I was hungry and you gave me a boost, I will find you the biggest apple in the tree.
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My capacity to listen to the same song for hours on end always astounds me.
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Ignore everything but the sound of my voice, it said, and trusting it, I handed over the reins to my hands.
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There is a place I have been, somewhere between waking and dream, where I feel closer to people than physically being with them.
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Yes, I am prepared that my partner and my domestic partner may be two different people. I am learning to come to terms with that if that is the case.
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The prophecy:

He must become him.

I will find him.

He will unlock me.

I will open him.

We will combine for next level perspective.

It was a matter left to good timing. Can two I’s who have not met on this side find the right time and place to meet, have the exact right tools to form the circle?
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The truth is, I’ve asked many people in my life who they can see being my partner, big enough and a fit enough to stand next to me that they say, “Yes, now the picture is complete.” And they’ll hem and they’ll haw and at the end, it’s obvious they can’t see someone either, can’t imagine him yet as a concrete person, even in abstract terms. Only that they’ll recognize him when they see us together. That means to me either I’m not there yet, or he isn’t that person yet.
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Young spirit, old soul. Keep your eyes on it.
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One is Saturn and the other Neptune.
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