Echo

Brian and I were texting on Saturday. He knew I was feeling down. (He, on the other hand, woke up at 5am passed out in his clothes on his couch). He puts a spin on life for me that is both big brotherly, and completely irreverent. Whichever twin is drowning, the other one will save it. We are so good, and we are so bad.

I said, Let’s go to Hawaii.

He said, Fuck Hawaii. Let’s move to Mexico.

I said, I’ll start brushing up on my Mexican.

He said, I’d rather be brushing up on some Mexicans right now.

I said, Go to the flea market.

He said, No, no no. Not those kinds of Mexicans. Hot, rich Mexico City Mexicans.

So 10 minutes later, Sebastian, the Microsoft engineer from Mexico texts. After our mysterious meeting and my going underground after he calls me dangerous, I finally feel like it’s time to have our coffee discussion. I texted him when I got back from Fremont, on April 22 which was quite the electric day, to see how life was treating him. He said he was good and leaving for vacation but he wanted to meet up when he got back.

He was texting to say he was back and asking when I was available.

I wrote to Brian that on command, I got a Mexico City boy on the line.

When we go to gay bars together, guys always give me their number, and I never understand why. Sometimes I wonder if because we’re so close, some of Brian’s wishes fall into my life.

369
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is perfect

i will fuck people up and down and sideways without even touching them

and people say, i know, you’ve done it to me.

and i say, i haven’t done anything to anyone yet.

warned of skunk on collision course
planets in collision
should not affect weight unless attention to body is distracted
don’t like it when people make me vomit secrets because i don’t know what it means
increased loss of breath breathing underwater
what the hell was that thing that went by in the sky, leaving a trail of copper?

he has no choice. he already set it up that way. he thought he needed it this way.

three345 =

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She told me that she is looking for the opportunity for me to introduce myself. She’s very curious about me as well.

And I have to go about it peacefully.

And if it’s a dragon?

We’ll go about it peacefully.

I hate it when people don’t confirm information accurately. It makes it harder for me

But I know how to work with triangles to look behind the curtains, once in a while.

My bottom line:

Everything, means the same thing for me.

The rest, is just details.

Let me have domain between the two.

Regarding this situation you have me in,

I’m going to follow the flow.

i sense i have work to do.

full moon and i have things to tao ren.
today, i wish for tribunal
i will not be the last star standing
if you keep breaking my heart.
when does the training stop
and i can finally realize the warrior.

i taste like the sea. i taste like tears cried in secrecy. i taste like hiding where everyone can see.

i taste like things you will never be.

We may race and we may run
We’ll not undo what has been done
Or change the moment when it’s gone

seeing truth means dealing with truth.

when what i’ve seen, suspected and felt, everything my antennae picked up is confirmed, it’s a relief. to know that i’m not a paranoid person, to know that i’m not suffering from the equivalent of emotional hallucinations.

on the other hand, it never feels good to have suspicions confirmed. in fact, it usually feels like shit.

leaving the country for 2 weeks is good and bad. good for distance, bad because i want to be alone, put my head under a pillow and not hear a single human voice for a really long time.

750 stats from today:

798 words
9 minutes
81 wpm
Feeling – Upset
Concern – Success

Still PG-13, but now for sexual content and swearing. Nice.

Last year, while going through my healing process staying with Sarah and Jef in Orlando, I told Sarah, “I’ve made so many guys better men for other girls. I’m so tired of it. It’s time I got a guy that someone else has made a better man for me.”

Driving this morning, the song Yellow by Coldplay came on the radio and I started to cry. This song is one of my favorite songs, despite Coldplay’s decline after their first album. It’s tied to so many memories (I remember the night about 10 years ago, I was so upset over something that I drove around aimlessly, ending up driving from LA to Vegas just to turn around and drive back again…10 hours round trip…listening to David Gray’s White Ladder and Coldplay’s Parachutes). Music has often expressed my emotions when I didn’t have words to. The song brought too many emotions to the surface and my cup spilled.

Then I remembered the poem I wrote about dreaming in yellow, and how last night’s dream was about how our entire world existed inside the equivalent of a puddle.

Fighting for things is not always conducive to making them happen.
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Instructions came in loud and clear. There are rules. And in life–every test, every battle, every game, has rules. Sometimes you stop questioning who made the rules, and you say, I trust it. I trust that if I follow the rules, I will get exactly what I want. And so you follow the rules.

In my dream last night, I found a whole city covered by a thunderstorm sky and rainbow.  I could walk freely in that city, as myself. The thing that people loved, was that I was their size, a normal girl, but if I reached up my hand, it would grow and touch the sky. Like a giant hand reaching out and touching the surface of water, rippling the sky and rainbow. This world was just a drop of water and we were safe in it. People would cry, hug me, instant family, so grateful, the greatest miracle they’d hoped for, to witness that the sky was not untouchable. It was just illusion. And this was everything I’d ever wanted in life. Just to give those people that.

I don’t know why you would want it this way. But I can understand why you would need it this way.

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Saturdays used to be sources of huge anxiety. Saturday morning Chinese school. I was always feeling overwhelmed. It was hard. I didn’t enjoy it. I used to dread it so much my parents finally stopped making me go.

Then Saturday became our day of worship. The whole family went to the gym. This I liked.

This Saturday will be a very good day.

Went to my Aunt Jodie’s house and she showed us Edison’s kindergarten report card. Everything was excellent except the cryptic handwritten note from the teacher under the behavior section:

Needs to make better choices.

First of all, that’s not constructive at all. “What does that even mean?” I asked my aunt. She said that was what she wanted to ask me. She said she asked Edison and he had no idea what he was supposed to improve.

When I told B, he laughed. That can be said for most guys in their 20’s, he said.
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12:12 again
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