Echo

i got my haircut before i left fremont. the girl called me and told me i could come right by. her daughter was there hanging out, 14 year-old with caramel skin, green eyes and the most amazing energy. basketball shorts and a black tank. the hairdressers are always asking me questions about astrology, so they were talking about relationships in reference to their signs, and she was telling me about her pisces boyfriend. oh no, i said to her. i bet you’re his first love. pisces guys never let go of their first loves. you’ve probably ruined him!

she told me she’d totally ruined him because she had him trained like a puppy, but you could tell behind the bravado, she was really sweet to him, too. i liked her a lot.

when i went to pay, i asked her mom if she could tell her daughter that i said she was beautiful. that she has the most amazing energy. i apologized for being a little shy about complimenting people.

she said her daughter would be really happy to hear i said that.

man, what am i gonna do with myself. it is a little weird that i’m too shy to compliment a 14 year-old girl to her face for having amazing energy. i think somewhere, i got the idea that people bite when you’re nice to them, or maybe, in such a superficial world, i feel like people tend to dismiss deeper levels of sincerity. regardless, let’s work on this.

:D

you have no idea how patient i can be.

last night, amber saw a shooting star from our balcony. she commented that it’s been really unusual because she’s seen 5 shooting stars the last week, when she hasn’t seen any in a long time. i told her maybe the universe was trying to tell her something, to not be afraid to believe in something.

“It’s not a question of better or worse. The point is, not to resist the flow. You go up when you’re supposed to go up and down when you’re supposed to go down. When you’re supposed to go up, find the highest tower and climb to the top. When you’re supposed to go down, find the deepest well and go down to the bottom. When there’s no flow, stay still. If you resist the flow, everything dries up. If everything dries up, the world is darkness. ‘I am he and/He is me:/Spring nightfall.’ Abandon the self, and there you are.”

-Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles

skipped the gym and basketball today to catch up on sleep.

wanted to go to venice for lunch but realized my car was blocked in by b. rather than run up and get the keys, decided to walk to the bean. got to the bean and realized i didn’t have my wallet. i could have sworn there was a $5 dollar bill somewhere on me, but couldn’t find it so walked back home. decided to get the keys and the wallet. drove to the bean. ordered. realized there really was a $5 bill in my pocket. don’t know why i did things so inefficiently today.

had dinner at animal. fried pigs ears with chili-lime and a quail egg. that was my favorite. tried a chocolate peanut butter dessert with bacon. b loves it. i was indifferent.

spent the night on the balcony talking to amber and jason. they love the energy of our balcony and i told them it’s one of the best energy spots in the city. it’s got an amazing, peaceful view. we got on the subject of our friend robert again.

they told me about the last time they saw him. they were sharing a hotel room with him. they’d left, and when they came back, he was on the bed with his pants down, in caterpillar position, ass in the air, pointed at the door. passed out. they think he got in that position as a joke, but fell asleep when they didn’t get back sooner. knowing robert and his discipline for a joke, he probably had his ass in the air for hours, waiting.

that’s robert. the spirit of texas. the greatest free spirit i’ve ever known. social butterfly. heartbreakingly kind. he came all the way out to hollywood to be a bartender in gay bars, so the dude was definitely open-minded and up for adventure. but then three months later, he gets married in his parents’ living room without telling anyone, is writing emails quoting his pastor, and has shipped off for war.

what the hell happened to robert? i suggested we collect all of our robert stories. the world has never seen a character like him. we make a time-line so we can map out our memories of what a cool guy he was. we make it a bestseller because it’ll be funny as hell, then we use the success of the book to launch an intervention. his spirit must be saved.

in other news, i think i’ve gotten really good at what i do.

was having a conversation with amber and jason, and she was saying how good the vibe of the balcony was, because she was feeling so open that she was saying things she normally wouldn’t say. i smiled to myself. that’s very good feedback. it was a very warm, friendly conversation with depth and good feeling, and she gave me a big hug at the end of the night.

post-script 8/9 – okay, i’m ready to admit there was a moment i almost cried last night, hearing about robert.

finished. 4 part cruise story:

pt 1
pt 2
pt 3
pt 4

i am shorting out a lot of electronics. it’s driving me crazy. i’m having to write from both explorer and firefox because one or the other keeps freezing. cellphone has crashed twice, iPod won’t turn off and freezes, the router keeps disconnecting. this is life, right?

my friend aubrey told me once that some people have stronger electromagnetic fields. he wonders if that’s why i tend to have more problems with technology than most. i notice this happens more often when i’m in a place where i’m very creative. those times when the output is coming in a way that’s almost unconscious.

i wonder if that’s what makes it hard to get close to me. i still stand by the theory that the optimal distance to appreciate me is 3 feet. any closer and your electronics go haywire, any further and you don’t get the benefits of my warmth.

one funny thing. at the airport in vancouver, on the way back to cali, edison suggested that he and i should get married. he was very timid but cheerful about it. i told him i couldn’t marry him and he asked me why not. i told him it was because we’re cousins, but when he gets older, he’s going to have a lot of girls around him. so i want him to bring those girls to meet me, and i’ll make sure they’re good enough for him. he said, okay.

i like being able to talk to 5 year olds like adults. they’re so much easier to talk to than adults who act like 5 year olds.

it is written. but i’m going to give it a day while i go lay on the floor for a while and stare at the light bulb.

for a writer who hates writing endings, this is a hard one.

but she needs to learn, i hear the voice say.

she needs to learn…

spilling the cup

i had actually written a post this week about something I had written a while back, but had saved it as a draft. but i got an email today that reminded me to post it again.

so last year was a pivotal year for me because i got out of the longest and most successful job i’d ever held. it was probably the most rewarding job in terms of giving me confidence and showing me that i can be successful in a business world, make a lot of money and be financially independent, but it was also like being in a bad marriage with a husband who lies all the time, takes you for granted and never respects you. the universe made it very hard for me, because suddenly, i was being offered more money than i ever thought i would make in my life, yet to take it, would tell my boss and the world that i can be compromised. that with enough money, i will sell my self-respect. so i walked away and never looked back.

it was probably the hardest, scariest decision i’ve had to make as an adult, but in the end, it was the most important decision. i showed myself i was willing to protect myself, stand up for myself and ultimately, trust myself as i walked into the unknown.

a few days ago, i was thinking about this whole journey of personal freedom that started last year, right around when i quit my job, and started rereading what i was writing at the time. i found this post, which i had written and liked so much, that i put it up on the wall next to me at work.

when i quit, i took everything down from the walls of my office, leaving only this, the final echo of an amazing being that they never knew, and would never get to know. here it is:

when in the present, withhold talking and perceive emotionally.

let the emotions experience life without the demands, critiques and dominance of the mind.

let the heart unfold the truth of every moment and interaction.

and if the truth is painful, take that energy back to your cave and turn it into poetry.

and if the truth is beautiful, take that fear back to your cave and turn it into poetry.

and one day when you are loaded to the brim with poetry, tense with trying to hold every drop without spilling over, let yourself topple the cup and empty yourself of everything.

and perhaps, with the mastery of this task, you will set yourself free.

*********************************

i am proud to look back and say, i faithfully followed my own advice.

got the news today…candice is pregnant! due jan. 20th. very exciting. am going to try to head back up to san francisco next month to see them. would like to make a stop in seattle as well if i’m going to be traveling.

the salmon i caught in alaska arrived today. damn, that’s a lot of salmon.

had lunch at a restaurant overlooking the beach with b, jason and amber, then took a walk on the sand. the weather today is incredible, the entire world feels bigger. saw a little boy with no pants on playing in the sand. how did he lose his pants? his parents are bad supervisors.

b, jason and amber are heading to the lyle lovett concert tonight. i was thinking about going down to venice for first friday (the first friday of every month, the art galleries on abbott kinney, this really cool street off of venice beach, opens their doors late night and it’s like this giant street party). this would be almost the one month anniversary of that crazy night with the hipster and the missed connections guy, that unusual week that happened during the last full moon. i almost feel like everything that happened on the cruise was the culmination of what that week had been pointing me towards, giving me clues so i would recognize what i needed to recognize when i found it. so in a way, it doesn’t surprise me that i see such a correlation between last month’s full moon events and inspiration, and this month’s floodgates opening.

when i reread what i was writing over that period of time, i feel like a deep, psychic part of me knew what was coming up, but needed to prepare my mind, psyche, spirit for it. maybe put myself in the right philosophical mindset, because all these ideas and convictions i was expounding about then, i’m being forced to stand by, and if i hadn’t written them down with such conviction, this week’s test would not have been so difficult yet so important. i needed to prove that my integrity and honor are not easy words, but true core facets of who i am.

b has bought push-up handles and had been texting about a push-up contest while i was away. he just made me do push-ups. so folks, if you want to join the contest, i’ve set the bar. the number to beat is:

2

:D

spirits are high. heart is mending. trying to stay focused on just getting where i’m going, and setting the right direction to put future julia in the best position possible for happiness.

i disown what i said about how i think i will never be happy. i think i just never believed i can have both inspiration and happiness in my life, that i would have to choose. fuck compromising. a person should only compromise when they’re faced with a situation requiring compromise. but to set out on a journey with a compromised goal is unforgivable. i’m going to go for the gold. ultimate fulfillment. and if i fall short, that’s okay, i’ll always know i tried and didn’t sell myself short. but if i don’t fall short, then you know what, i got exactly what it was i hoped for and deserved.

if i want to be with someone who can be happy being with me because he’s confident enough in accepting me as his first choice, then i have to be the same kind of person who feels i deserve my first choice as well. i can not settle for second choices, while expecting others to see me as a first. i need to be okay with feeling i deserve exactly what i want most, because i am the only one who tells the world what it is i deserve.

contradictions…give me everything i want…

-phoenix, run run run

amber and jason arrived tonight from portland. i haven’t seen amber in years. my favorite memory with her is the time she and terri came for halloween, and they built an obstacle course in our hallway and were sliding through them with helmets on. that, and watching drag queens (including one dressed like cruella deville from 101 dalmations) race down the street in high heels in a west hollywood tradition.

we talked about our friend who was the greatest free spirit i’d ever met, who suddenly turned around, got married to his ex-girlfriend he had just months before called a “cunt face,” joined the marines and went off to war. sometimes i wonder if he basically committed suicide of the spirit.

some say the soul departs long before the body hits the ground.

i believe it.

i told them i’d been on a writing spree.
told them about the 6 lbs. that came mysteriously and disappeared
asked them how much newborn babies weigh
asked them if they thought i’d had a baby but just didn’t realize it.

we drank scotch. so we could feel like men.

then we got in our pajamas and went to bed.

god, the moon is beautiful tonight.

i am starting to realize how serious of a person i am. i’m a very light, happy person, but these facets are not contradictory. a person can be a serious person and still have a light personality. no wonder i didn’t want to be anywhere except the dark comedy niche. i love making people laugh. but i want to make people think. i just don’t make anything for pure entertainment’s sake. i want to always leave people with something to think about, a question to take away that works away at the corners of their mind. or just a belief. in something new. in something different. doesn’t matter. just a belief.

i believe this contributes to why my friends call me private, caring and shy, and people in the world who meet me do not.

i think it’s good though. my seriousness makes me think a lot, consider ideas, their evolution and potential benefits and consequences, so that i can navigate this world and take care of myself and the ones i love. but my detached, light approach to dealing with life and its changes allows me to touch another level of living, where there is hope, innocence, magic and possibilities. i think it’s kind of like one side of me is very well aware of the present as things are now. the other, is very well aware of what’s possible, the highest potential of any given reality. and i’m really good at seeing things as they are and as they could be, and because i’ve imagined it as a linear map, i usually have a good idea of where a person or situation is on this map; i don’t often confuse the two by expecting more than is possible. this also gives me a good sense of direction.

so much is about learning to accept and not resist, even if you feel a drive to. if you can trust yourself to stand your own ground, you will be able to discern where your journey takes you and roll with what you meet. i always find that things should naturally come, if they are meant to come. everything else– just details in the spaces in between.

i think the problem is, heaven and hell in one drop tastes so good that it becomes a high. something difficult to attain but highly rewarding. the ends of the universe. two polarities occupying the exact same spot.

but if you asked me what is the one dimension of life i would take with me if i was stranded on a deserted island and had to make my days, i would say– simple, stable and self-contained with infinite room for small pleasures.

work is done! now we play!

i know these guys. i love how gay they’re playing.