Echo

Humans didn’t build that giant statue of Om. You did.

Hi Julia:

It’s always good to write to you. It’s a rare treat these days to correspond with someone whom I relate to on a philosophical level. I feel that with age, people get more caught up with their everyday life. The mundane eventually trumps the pursuit of our hopes and dreams. You’re one of the very very few friends I have who do not live a life cliches. I’m very proud of you…not that I wouldn’t be totally supportive if you decide to pursue a more mainstream way of living but at least I know it would be your choice and on your terms. With that said…

I really like your 3-year plan. It’s always good to go home even if we have mixed feelings about our “home.” I wish I were one of those people who miss home and want to be near my family all the time. Lots of people like that in Jersey. But I’m not and it’s being around them that led me to learn certain truths about myself. You have a good, though not always perfect, relationship with your mom. She strikes me as someone whom you love and relate to deeply but who doesn’t always understand you. So maybe by working together, you guys will grow even closer. It’s very ironic but not unexpected I suppose that Abby and I are close. Much of it is circumstantial as that I don’t have a live-in nanny in Jersey and have to do much of the childcare myself. And because of my history with my mom, it’s important that Abby and I bond…and that we did. All the fear of us not getting along when she grows up is pushed to the very back of my head. Can’t worry that much. It paralyzes me.

Do you worry, Julia, about things in general?

My brother went to culinary school. Never did anything professional with the education but his culinary aspiration did help him land his wife. They met on Match.com or one of those dating websites. She read in his profile that he’s an aspiring chef and found that to be a very attractive attribute and agreed to meet him. It was love at first sight. The rest is history. Will you be going full time? Which culinary school are you looking to attend? There are quite a few in the Bay Area, SF area I believe.

I haven’t tasted your famous lemonade yet. Like you, I have been thinking about exploring the food industry. Maybe we can exchange notes. I’m thinking about exotic Asian pudding. Ha. Not to be sold in Jersey. You’re really good at executing your ideas. It’s a rare and powerful combination to have awesome concepts and the ability to execute them. I tell people about your lemonade all the time. You do me proud! ;-)

LA, LA, LA. That’s my home and I have to get back home. That is not to say being in Jersey is all that bad. There’s a lot less noise and drama in my life as I don’t really have a social network. My phone doesn’t ring much and there are very few social obligations. People don’t know me well and I don’t know them well and in a way I like it. Social solitude. I’m sure you can appreciate this. But I like it that you’ve introduced a goal for me to meet you back in LA in three years time. I haven’t set a goal for myself for a long while. Does that make me sound lame? And yes, we should tackle TV or feature or some creative project together. I actually know someone in TV now. A good friend of mine married a TV writer/show runner. He wrote Star Trek Next Gen and I am Legend and created Sliders and Carnival. A real sci-fi guy. Very interesting, funny and eccentric. I’m sure he’ll give us pointers and if we impress him maybe help set up meetings. I still remember you Vegas pilot. Never give up what’s close to our hearts.

So my script…it’s meant to be animated. I just got notes back from a friend of mine who totally missed the central theme of my script. I honestly don’t know how that happened. Did I screw up that badly or was he projecting some of his own personal issues onto my script? Regardless, vast majority of his notes are useless to me because they were given from the wrong thematic perspective. For me, I never compromise on the theme. Everything else is up for discussion. Theme is the soul and I don’t change that. Anyhow, I want to see what you think the theme of the story is. The script needs work for sure and I kind of realize what they are AFTER I sent it to the producer so… Anyhow the thing I learned about this industry is that they’re constantly adjusting the script. What the people are reading for in a writer is the exploration of an unique, excellent concept and the ability to execute. I want you to see if I have that in this draft. Because after my friend’s notes, I decided not to rush the producer to read as I might need to rewrite and send him another draft. Or maybe I don’t need to. That’s the background. I know people in animation now. A lot of work is done in China believe it or not. The people who head up these animation studios in Beijing are Americans and some of the studios have done work on Wall-E, Nemo, Shrek, etc. I apologize for rushing but if you could let me know what you think of the script by late May before I leave for China, that’ll be great. This way I know to show or not to show it to people. Thank you very much.

I’ll be in Beijing till the end of July. Think I might miss you as your family reunion is in August. But if you decide to visit Beijing this summer, contact my brother. He’s there and knows lots of interesting ex-pats. You’ll love them. Intelligent, adventuresome and all got a good head for business. He’ll show you around town. Or we can try to meet up next summer. I’ll introduce you to China’s entertainment business among other things.

Okay, I have written you a short story. Send me yours when you’re ready. Can’t wait to read your latest work! :)

Last but not least, very glad that you’ve met someone who peaks your romantic interests. After David, I can tell you needed time to heal and regroup. You always put all of yourself into your relationships and these men are lucky to have you in their lives but for whatever reason they don’t hold up their end of the bargain and it falls apart. I hope this guy will bring some joy into your life and keep things relatively simple and easy for you. Might be a nice change. I like it that he’s younger. I never was interested in younger guys and am beginning to wonder what I missed out on. ;-) Keep me posted.

Take care of yourself. Thanks again.

Michelle

If you found someone who gives you freedom to explore to your heart’s content while waiting at home faithfully with the light on, then my friend, your life is already your blessing.
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Don’t try to judge and change what you need. You’ll spend your life fighting demons. Instead, find a situation that comfortably fits who you are. Sometimes, unorthodox people need customized solutions.
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I understand now why he said he’s happy he met me at home.

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Everything out there is right here. You just have to find it.
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We are living words already written. We are finding things we saved in the past. The more we move into the future, the more we find of the past. The reaches of the universe aren’t billions of light years away, or billions of years in the past. They are right here, right next to us, the closest things we’ve ever known. Everything leads back to right here, right now, whoever you are in a moment, suddenly. Awake.
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And it wasn’t room 4700. It was 4707.
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I think my dream has just revealed the architecture of my world.
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To step out of this world, you must disassociate yourself with time.
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12:12. Always.

Last night’s dream.

I ran into Beau (Missed Connections Guy) and he said he was going to be racing in Daytona (he’s a sound mixer on big budget movies and also races BMW’s professionally in real life). In my dream world, Daytona was in CA and not too far, so he said I should come by and check it out. So I went with my mom, my aunt Jodie and Michael. It was a huge event, with different races, some serious, some not. As we were leaving in the car, they were doing an old car race, with old school Fords vs Amish horse buggies. It was a ridiculous sight so I took Jodie’s Nikon and was taking pictures. A black BMW drove by and my mom said, “There goes Julia’s boyfriend,” but she said it in Chinese meaning, “the guy Julia knows who is the reason we’re here.” I looked up and sure enough, it was Beau with a girl in the passenger seat. “Every time Julia’s seen him, he’s been with a different girl,” my mom told Jodie. I remembered I’d told her that he seems to have an open arrangement, sleeping with a lot of girls in rotation who all seem to know each other and accept it. It’s why I’ve always been kind of wary of him.

We went home and I went back to “Seattle,” which was like a giant campus. I lived in Apt #4700 on the fourth floor of this huge complex of interlinked buildings (think a college dorm complex in the shape of a honeycomb). Laura, this girl I went to college with, had come to visit me, but in this dream we were closer friends than we were in real life. We were on this hill overlooking the sound, throwing a ball around. There was a Celebrity cruise ship docked at the port below. There were people below, in particular, a tall guy in a white shirt with a woman. The guy moved in a very familiar way but I didn’t think much of it, didn’t want to think too much of it, so I kept talking to Laura, even though the back of my neck and ears were tingling. I kept telling myself it wasn’t possible. Then they started walking up the hill, and a familiar voice said, “Hello Julia.” It was Christian. I was flabbergasted. “What the f–what are you doing here?” He got me again! He said he hadn’t come on the ship, he was en route from a vacation in Hawaii, and I melted, saying, “Isn’t Hawaii amazing? I’ve been trying to make my way there.” The girl he was with, his girlfriend, was friendly but quiet and never introduced. I introduced him to Laura, and Laura knew right away who he was because she knew the back story. So we walked around, and he wanted all of us to go back to my place, but then I remembered how messy my place was. I definitely hadn’t made my bed and since no one ever visited me, I’d given up on keeping it tidy. I told him I wish he’d visited months ago, when I was still keeping it neat. We got to our lobby, and I asked if they would hang out in the lounge on my floor and give me 5 minutes to clean up the place. He said he didn’t care, but I insisted. So as we waited for the elevator, I asked what his girlfriend’s name was. Hannah, he said, but like HanNAH. I said, “Accent on the 2nd syllable?” And he said, “More like one and a half,” sounding mildly irritated, not from the pronunciation but more that we were talking about it. I told him that’s the exact name and pronunciation that Rie wants to name her daughter if she has one. We got to the lounge and I asked them to give me 5 minutes, and went off, but for some reason, we’d entered through a different entrance, so I was lost. The room numbers were in the 10000’s, and I realized I was in the wrong area of the honeycomb. I had to leave the building again to try to get my bearings on the complex, and for the first time, I realized that the buildings featured an inner open square with a giant, elaborate statue of black as big as the building built into one of its angles, like an Egyptian god, whose name was Om. I just looked it up, and there is no god named Om…Om (Ohm) is the measurement of electrical impedance symbolized by the symbol omega, or the Hindu symbol of the Absolute. I remember looking up, seeing the statue, the biggest, most breathtaking structure blotting out the sun, and being struck with absolute awe. Humans built that.

I had to get to my apartment quickly because I knew my friends would get impatient, but I couldn’t seem to walk fast. I found I could walk faster turning around and walking backwards, but then I couldn’t see where I was going. I woke up as I was trying to get back to my place, trying to get there on feet that couldn’t cover ground quick enough, and being completely lost.

when i go back to la this month, what are the chances i run into missed connections guy?

discuss.

Am I eccentric or visionary? I know this is a strange thing to talk about, but it’s necessary. You need to know. I’ve been planning to have my eggs harvested and stored for a year now. Gonna aim to get it done in the next few months. For practical reasons, the older a woman gets, it’s not her ability to carry a child that diminishes but the quality of the eggs she produces, so it’s good to get them harvested the younger the better. I wish I had thought of it when I was 29 and had more money, but it doesn’t matter. Also, looking ahead, if I have them stored, if anything were to happen to me and I pass on without leaving someone to carry on in this world, those left behind could always choose to introduce my progeny into this world via surrogacy. Who knows, maybe they may even be me in a new consciousness. I know it’s a strange idea, but for some reason, it feels important to me to do this to give future world the option. I brought it up to my mom last year and she thought the harvesting was a good idea, but when I told her that this way, if anything were to happen to me, she could still have a grandchild by me, she was weirded out. Maybe it was the idea of me not being around, or mothering a child posthumously. Sorry, mom. I know it’s a lot to wrap your head around. But the truth is, should something happen, I think you would rather have the option than not.

At some point, I will also have to create a will that includes naming someone to be responsible for them and potential donations if I’m gone. I know it’s a strange thing to ask of someone. But I figure I’ll know who when I cross that bridge.

Just did my 750 words. My rating has been upgraded to a PG-13 for sexual content. Yay! Though I don’t know where the sexual content is. I looked back and there wasn’t anything. But maybe the system just knows…

I wrote 754 words in 8 minutes, typing 108 wpm. Thematically, I was most concerned with eating/drinking. While spewing ambiguous sexual content.

Yeah, sounds about right.

Got an MRI tonight and when I pointed out to the technician where it was hurting, he said it was where my quad connects. I’m hoping I just pulled it or got a minor tear, and the other issues are just tracking problems. I know I have an imbalance where my quads are strong but my hamstrings weak. It’s because I’m lazy with hamstrings. I promise that if there’s no serious damage requiring surgery and just an issue of rest and physical therapy to work out muscular imbalances, I will work really hard at them.

Looked out the window this morning (yes, I said morning. I was up at the buttcrack of 9:20am trying to get an appt for my knee), I saw the first cruise ship of the season outside. Ah, that brings back memories.

Meet me on the other side, it’s a brand new start to a brand new life, I’m open…
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A couple of the biggest things I miss about LA are KCRW and the Hollywood Bowl. Going through KCRW’s archives. So many gems including a live show by Morcheeba. I went to their show at the Fonda but didn’t catch their live set on KCRW. It was one of the best concerts I’d ever been to. Check out this show for a taste:

yesterday’s free-write:

Oh, my moon-eyed muppet. You have no idea I, or we, collectively, have a pet name for you. You and your big brown eyes with huge pupils overtaking, smooth olive skin and those eyebrows like god painted them in. Elf ears. Where did you come from and where are you taking me? I’ve got nothing to do but keep my hands in my pocket and let you lead the way. If I were trapped in a missile silo, I would first check exits, then check for communication, then supplies. There I find full supplies, food water, etc., but none of the communication equipment works. All I know is that I woke up from a dream, in which I was so close to someone from the past that I could feel him. But this time, instead of the nameless/faceless man I’ve been seeing my entire childhood, it is someone I knew once, a long time ago. And in fact, it was here, that I knew him. So the computers are up but I can’t seem to send any outgoing messages. There are status reports from other stations. Equipment destroyed, offline. Hello? There doesn’t seem to be anybody out there. I’m stuck in here. And I think the world above me is destroyed, gone, and I may be the last person. But the strange thing is, I don’t know how I got down here. This program has been shut down for years. Last night, I went to bed in my own bed. Or did I? Did something traumatic happen that put me in the hospital? What was it that I was trying to do? Why did I happen to think about him that night? He must have been the sum of my answers. Somewhere in waking life, I was awake, and suddenly plunged into sleep. When I wake, you will not remember me. This is from his dream. He has dreamed of her, seen her, felt her so close that he could almost smell her skin. He wants her. He has always wanted her, but he gave up on her because he could never have her. And then she shows up and haunts his dreams. When I wake, you will not remember me. When he wakes? Why when she wakes? Because it is her dreams that control his reality. He has always been tied to her, known it on a conscious level, but the only way she was ever going to believe that he’s real is if she finds the man from her dreams in real life. And even when she had originally met him, he wasn’t him yet. So she didn’t recognize him. Ah, sweet sweet love. You only show yourself at the right time and place. I used to wonder if the feeling of love was a trick, something to lure me in and motivate me to work out all my karmic debt. My karma comes out of the 12th house, through the past, through my romantic relationships, my ideals. I need a spiritual union that somehow heals the past to allow for a future, however abstract and mystical. Someday, I want to have a life of my own, a love of my own, something that I can look at and feel its what I’ve been looking for my entire life. One day, I want to look into your eyes and know that I have finally found you. Why have I been dreaming for so long, dreams that feel more real than life? There was that one night that scared me. I woke up to a light in my room coming from the outside, my body unable to move, and garbled noises, like chanting in another language on the radio, a language almost like static…but with more heart. Was it then that they found me? Was it then that they whispered the secrets of my past to me? Was it then that I ceased to sleep, but only to dream. I am wayward in my ways. I am lost in my own devices. My darkness is my light because I feel the world of darkness. Sometimes, the night echoes back to me and I feel the familiar hand of time upon my shoulder. I am only here until I am not here. And something about that tells me that I am so small, that there is nothing to do but make a difference. I want to find you, hold your hand, look you in the eye and tell you how long it has been since I first found you, in a different world, in my dream.